Comedian Quotes, and other funny shit.
Funny shit:
From Robin Williams: Live on Broadway:
"This is brought to you by HBO, which is a subsidiary of Time Warner, also owned by America Online. You’ve got mail! I hope you don’t have stocks."
"If you go to Neverland, it says ‘You must be this high to ride Michael.’"
(On messing up a line)
"I’m sorry. My lips just went, ‘What the fuck did you just say?’ A couple of dyslexic people went ‘Thank you, Robin. Thank you. We were worried about the Pledge of Allegiance. We were going to say, One Nation Under Dog. It’s okay.’ I know people are going, ‘I’ve got a cure for this. It’s one nation under Canada, above Mexico.’ Yes! Yeah, but then you have to do the whole other anthems, like ‘Someone bless America.’ An instead on the dollar bill, instead of In God We Trust, In Gates We Trust! ‘Mr. Gates, when did you realize that you were creating a monopoly?’ ‘Monopoly’s just a game, senator. I’m trying to control the fucking world! Don’t you see? Windows Millennium? Windows Millennium ME. It’s all leading to information technology. Soon it’ll be total information technology. TIT. And when you’re sucking on the TIT, I have you by the motherboard!’"
"These are not like the tits in Vegas, where even God goes, ‘I didn’t make those.’"
"Everybody’s worried about people playing baseball on steroids. I’m going, really? Here’s one quick way you tell. Two things happen on steroids. Your balls shrink and your head grows. So if someone steps up to the plate with a Mardi Gras head and raisonettes, you’re out!"
"The French don’t have a baseball team! If they did, there would only be left field, and no one would be safe."
"Canada is like a loft apartment over a really great party, you know?"
"An arab in Utah is like an albino at the apollo. You would notice!"
"For those playing the home game, this is called a Prince Albert. And I’m sure that was his last wish. I’m sure Albert said, ‘Victoria, I’m dying. I want you to name a museum, a performance hall, and a bolt through the cock after me."
"You’re 50! And can they make a drug to help you through all of that, to keep all of your organs intact until your golden years? No. Can they make a drug to give you mental clarity to your golden time? No. They’ve got a drug to make you harder than Chinese algebra!"
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your Mom. ============================================ How do you Know when you're REALLY ugly? Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed. ============================================ How do you know you're leading a sad life? When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends." ============================================ Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love? Because they have cotton balls. ============================================ Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have? Palm Sunday ============================================ What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts? Her navel. ============================================ What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? A bingo machine. ============================================ What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? The porcupine has pricks on the outside. ============================================ Why did God create alcohol? So ugly people have a chance to have sex too. ============================================ What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?" ============================================ What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are a $1.25 but deer nuts are always under a buck. ============================================ Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you. ============================================ If you are having sex with two women and one more woman walks in, what do you have? Divorce proceedings, most likely. ============================================ Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia? Everyone has the same DNA. ============================================ A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower." ============================================ How can you tell the Irish guy is in the hospital? He's the one blowing the foam off of his bedpan ============================================ Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar. ============================================ Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They named him Sum Ting Wong. ============================================ What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment. ============================================ What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast? They're hiring. ============================================ Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes. ============================================ Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? Because they're not going to work in the future, either. ============================================ Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying, "Yo" ============================================ What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm? A pimp. ============================================ Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it. ============================================ What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe. ============================================ What's the Cuban national anthem? "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" ============================================ What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit...
==================================================================
There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says, "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."
He ignores the voice.
Later in the day, he hears the voice again. "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."
Again, he ignores the voice.
Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. "Quit your job, seel your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."
He can't take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas. As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, "Go to Caesar's Palace."
He goes to Caesar's Palace.
The voice says, "Make your way to the roulette table."
He goes to the roulette table.
The voice says, "Put all your money on red 23."
He puts all his money on red 23.
The dealer spins the wheel. It comes up black 17.
The voice says, "Fuck." ----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man runs into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your best single-malt scotch, quick!"
The bartender pours the shots, and the man drinks them down, one at a time, as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast."
The man says, "Well, you'd drink that fast if you had what I have."
The bartender says, "Oh my God. What is it? What do you have?"
The man says, "Fifty cents." ----------------------------------------------------------------------
A pilot gets on the loudspeaker shortly after takeoff and says to the passengers, "Folks, welcome aboard flight seven-eighty-nine to Cleaveland. We'll be flying at thirty-five thousand feet, and expect to land in an hour and a half. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight."
He forgets to turn his microphone off, and turns to his copilot, yawns, and says, "Why don't you take over for a while? I'm gonna take me a big healthy shit, and then I'm gonna go fuck the brains out of that pretty blonde flight attendant working back in coach."
His announcement goes over the whole plane. The pretty blonde flight attendent back in coach hears it and exclaims, "Oh my God!" and starts running up toward the cockpit.
An old lady sitting in one of the aisle seats stops her and says, "Relax, honey. He's gotta take a shit first." ----------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy gets put into a nursing home by his son. He doesn't know if he's going to like it at first, but he decides to give it a shot for his son's sake.
The first morning, he wakes up with a hard-on. Out of nowhere, a beautiful nurse walks in, kneels down, and blows him without saying a word.
The guy gets on the phone to his son and says, "Son! I love this place! Thank you so much for putting me in this nursing home!"
The son says, "Wow, Pop. You sound really happy. What happened?"
The old man says, "You won't believe it. I woke up this morning with a hard-on, and the most beautiful nurse I've ever seen in my life came into my room and blew me. Didn't say a word. Just blew me."
"Well, that sounds great, Dad. Congratulations."
"Well, thank you, son," the old man says, and hangs up the phone.
Later that day, the old man is walking down the hall in his walker. He slips and falls and can't get up. A big hillbilly orderly comes up to him, rips his pants down, fucks him up the ass, and leaves him lying there in a heap.
The old man crawls to a phone and calls his son. "You gotta get me out of here, son, this place is nuts!"
"What happened, Pop? You sound terrible!" says the son.
"Well, I was walking with my walker and I feel down and couldn't get up. Then this big hillbilly orderly came by, ripped my pants down, and fucked me up the ass!"
"Well, you know, Dad," says the son, "You got a blow job this morning. You gotta take the good with the bad..."
"No, you don't understand, son!" exclaims the old man. "I only get a hard-on once a month! I fall down three, four times a day!"
From Robin Williams: Live on Broadway:
"This is brought to you by HBO, which is a subsidiary of Time Warner, also owned by America Online. You’ve got mail! I hope you don’t have stocks."
"If you go to Neverland, it says ‘You must be this high to ride Michael.’"
(On messing up a line)
"I’m sorry. My lips just went, ‘What the fuck did you just say?’ A couple of dyslexic people went ‘Thank you, Robin. Thank you. We were worried about the Pledge of Allegiance. We were going to say, One Nation Under Dog. It’s okay.’ I know people are going, ‘I’ve got a cure for this. It’s one nation under Canada, above Mexico.’ Yes! Yeah, but then you have to do the whole other anthems, like ‘Someone bless America.’ An instead on the dollar bill, instead of In God We Trust, In Gates We Trust! ‘Mr. Gates, when did you realize that you were creating a monopoly?’ ‘Monopoly’s just a game, senator. I’m trying to control the fucking world! Don’t you see? Windows Millennium? Windows Millennium ME. It’s all leading to information technology. Soon it’ll be total information technology. TIT. And when you’re sucking on the TIT, I have you by the motherboard!’"
"These are not like the tits in Vegas, where even God goes, ‘I didn’t make those.’"
"Everybody’s worried about people playing baseball on steroids. I’m going, really? Here’s one quick way you tell. Two things happen on steroids. Your balls shrink and your head grows. So if someone steps up to the plate with a Mardi Gras head and raisonettes, you’re out!"
"The French don’t have a baseball team! If they did, there would only be left field, and no one would be safe."
"Canada is like a loft apartment over a really great party, you know?"
"An arab in Utah is like an albino at the apollo. You would notice!"
"For those playing the home game, this is called a Prince Albert. And I’m sure that was his last wish. I’m sure Albert said, ‘Victoria, I’m dying. I want you to name a museum, a performance hall, and a bolt through the cock after me."
"You’re 50! And can they make a drug to help you through all of that, to keep all of your organs intact until your golden years? No. Can they make a drug to give you mental clarity to your golden time? No. They’ve got a drug to make you harder than Chinese algebra!"
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your Mom. ============================================ How do you Know when you're REALLY ugly? Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed. ============================================ How do you know you're leading a sad life? When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends." ============================================ Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love? Because they have cotton balls. ============================================ Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have? Palm Sunday ============================================ What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts? Her navel. ============================================ What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? A bingo machine. ============================================ What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? The porcupine has pricks on the outside. ============================================ Why did God create alcohol? So ugly people have a chance to have sex too. ============================================ What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?" ============================================ What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are a $1.25 but deer nuts are always under a buck. ============================================ Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you. ============================================ If you are having sex with two women and one more woman walks in, what do you have? Divorce proceedings, most likely. ============================================ Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia? Everyone has the same DNA. ============================================ A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower." ============================================ How can you tell the Irish guy is in the hospital? He's the one blowing the foam off of his bedpan ============================================ Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar. ============================================ Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They named him Sum Ting Wong. ============================================ What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment. ============================================ What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast? They're hiring. ============================================ Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes. ============================================ Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? Because they're not going to work in the future, either. ============================================ Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying, "Yo" ============================================ What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm? A pimp. ============================================ Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it. ============================================ What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe. ============================================ What's the Cuban national anthem? "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" ============================================ What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit...
==================================================================
There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says, "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."
He ignores the voice.
Later in the day, he hears the voice again. "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."
Again, he ignores the voice.
Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. "Quit your job, seel your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."
He can't take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas. As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, "Go to Caesar's Palace."
He goes to Caesar's Palace.
The voice says, "Make your way to the roulette table."
He goes to the roulette table.
The voice says, "Put all your money on red 23."
He puts all his money on red 23.
The dealer spins the wheel. It comes up black 17.
The voice says, "Fuck." ----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man runs into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your best single-malt scotch, quick!"
The bartender pours the shots, and the man drinks them down, one at a time, as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast."
The man says, "Well, you'd drink that fast if you had what I have."
The bartender says, "Oh my God. What is it? What do you have?"
The man says, "Fifty cents." ----------------------------------------------------------------------
A pilot gets on the loudspeaker shortly after takeoff and says to the passengers, "Folks, welcome aboard flight seven-eighty-nine to Cleaveland. We'll be flying at thirty-five thousand feet, and expect to land in an hour and a half. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight."
He forgets to turn his microphone off, and turns to his copilot, yawns, and says, "Why don't you take over for a while? I'm gonna take me a big healthy shit, and then I'm gonna go fuck the brains out of that pretty blonde flight attendant working back in coach."
His announcement goes over the whole plane. The pretty blonde flight attendent back in coach hears it and exclaims, "Oh my God!" and starts running up toward the cockpit.
An old lady sitting in one of the aisle seats stops her and says, "Relax, honey. He's gotta take a shit first." ----------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy gets put into a nursing home by his son. He doesn't know if he's going to like it at first, but he decides to give it a shot for his son's sake.
The first morning, he wakes up with a hard-on. Out of nowhere, a beautiful nurse walks in, kneels down, and blows him without saying a word.
The guy gets on the phone to his son and says, "Son! I love this place! Thank you so much for putting me in this nursing home!"
The son says, "Wow, Pop. You sound really happy. What happened?"
The old man says, "You won't believe it. I woke up this morning with a hard-on, and the most beautiful nurse I've ever seen in my life came into my room and blew me. Didn't say a word. Just blew me."
"Well, that sounds great, Dad. Congratulations."
"Well, thank you, son," the old man says, and hangs up the phone.
Later that day, the old man is walking down the hall in his walker. He slips and falls and can't get up. A big hillbilly orderly comes up to him, rips his pants down, fucks him up the ass, and leaves him lying there in a heap.
The old man crawls to a phone and calls his son. "You gotta get me out of here, son, this place is nuts!"
"What happened, Pop? You sound terrible!" says the son.
"Well, I was walking with my walker and I feel down and couldn't get up. Then this big hillbilly orderly came by, ripped my pants down, and fucked me up the ass!"
"Well, you know, Dad," says the son, "You got a blow job this morning. You gotta take the good with the bad..."
"No, you don't understand, son!" exclaims the old man. "I only get a hard-on once a month! I fall down three, four times a day!"
