Saturday, August 19, 2006
Monday, August 07, 2006
Armor
Armor.
It’s something we all have. It’s what we use to protect ourselves from the outside world. Sometimes, having his armor is a good thing. Sometimes, it’s not. The problem with the armor is that, from time to time, the armor itself becomes the very thing we need protecting from. Like some medieval Iron Maiden, we may be shielded from the outside, but on the inside, the armor’s doing its own kind of damage.
Everyone’s armor is different. Some people armor up with food. The drawback to that, of course, is the weight gain and health problems that comes from that. Others armor up with bravado. Just as damaging, given what can happen when the bravado is shattered. Others, like me, armor up with anger.
That is my problem. My issue.
You see, over the years, I learned to deal with the world by getting angry. That doesn’t mean that I was angry all the time; quite the contrary. I spent a lot of time being happy. I would use genetics to excuse my anger. “Hey, I can’t help it. I got this from my father.” It was a bullshit excuse, and I knew it. I couldn’t admit it, but I knew it.
As I got older, the anger got worse. As a kid, I was able to drop the anger quickly. Not as an adult. And it got very bad. While I did laps in a sea of self-delusion, my anger problem built and built.
The M.O. for the anger remained consistent as time went. Something would set me off. Sometimes it was something big. Other times, something relatively small. Whatever it was, it was almost always pointless. Useless. Something I couldn’t change. Deep down, I knew I couldn’t change what I was getting upset at. That fact frustrated me. The frustration then fed the anger. Then, something inside me realized how stupid this frustration was, and I would get more frustrated at that. Essentially, I would get angry, then the anger would feed itself. It became self-perpetuating and would just continue to build and build. It didn’t take long for the anger to reach the point where I would lose rational thought. I didn’t know I had lost it; I thought I was being perfectly rational. But my rationality was nowhere near being rational.
Now, all of that makes it sound a little like the anger was controlling me. That I had no part in it. It sounds like I’m passing the blame onto anger itself. But there’s one terrible truth in all of this that leaves me totally and completely culpable for the anger and everything that resulted from it.
I LOVED IT.
I enjoyed being angry. I liked the feeling it gave me. It was a false sense of power; of control; of intelligence. Uncertainty and self-doubt were blasted away in one white-hot second. I KNEW what I was doing was right. I knew exactly what to do, when to do it, and I was happy that I did. There were times that, when my anger started to wane, I would feed it intentionally. I’d bring up past incidents that had angered me, and draw on the still-lingering anger to feed the present. And sadly, the anger was still there. I never let it go. I didn’t want to let it go. Even when I calmed down and moved on, I kept the anger buried deep inside me so that on the next occasion, I could revive it and feed the cycle all over again.
I needed the anger. I needed it to blast away the world. To get rid of self-doubt and loathing. I turned my own problems into fuel for the fire and then aimed the fire at the world.
This Friday, I had an incident where the anger was building. It lasted HOURS. When I finally came down from it, I realized just how much damage it was doing. The armor that I had subconsciously built over 21 years was destroying me, and only now did I realize this.
That ends now.
It’s something we all have. It’s what we use to protect ourselves from the outside world. Sometimes, having his armor is a good thing. Sometimes, it’s not. The problem with the armor is that, from time to time, the armor itself becomes the very thing we need protecting from. Like some medieval Iron Maiden, we may be shielded from the outside, but on the inside, the armor’s doing its own kind of damage.
Everyone’s armor is different. Some people armor up with food. The drawback to that, of course, is the weight gain and health problems that comes from that. Others armor up with bravado. Just as damaging, given what can happen when the bravado is shattered. Others, like me, armor up with anger.
That is my problem. My issue.
You see, over the years, I learned to deal with the world by getting angry. That doesn’t mean that I was angry all the time; quite the contrary. I spent a lot of time being happy. I would use genetics to excuse my anger. “Hey, I can’t help it. I got this from my father.” It was a bullshit excuse, and I knew it. I couldn’t admit it, but I knew it.
As I got older, the anger got worse. As a kid, I was able to drop the anger quickly. Not as an adult. And it got very bad. While I did laps in a sea of self-delusion, my anger problem built and built.
The M.O. for the anger remained consistent as time went. Something would set me off. Sometimes it was something big. Other times, something relatively small. Whatever it was, it was almost always pointless. Useless. Something I couldn’t change. Deep down, I knew I couldn’t change what I was getting upset at. That fact frustrated me. The frustration then fed the anger. Then, something inside me realized how stupid this frustration was, and I would get more frustrated at that. Essentially, I would get angry, then the anger would feed itself. It became self-perpetuating and would just continue to build and build. It didn’t take long for the anger to reach the point where I would lose rational thought. I didn’t know I had lost it; I thought I was being perfectly rational. But my rationality was nowhere near being rational.
Now, all of that makes it sound a little like the anger was controlling me. That I had no part in it. It sounds like I’m passing the blame onto anger itself. But there’s one terrible truth in all of this that leaves me totally and completely culpable for the anger and everything that resulted from it.
I LOVED IT.
I enjoyed being angry. I liked the feeling it gave me. It was a false sense of power; of control; of intelligence. Uncertainty and self-doubt were blasted away in one white-hot second. I KNEW what I was doing was right. I knew exactly what to do, when to do it, and I was happy that I did. There were times that, when my anger started to wane, I would feed it intentionally. I’d bring up past incidents that had angered me, and draw on the still-lingering anger to feed the present. And sadly, the anger was still there. I never let it go. I didn’t want to let it go. Even when I calmed down and moved on, I kept the anger buried deep inside me so that on the next occasion, I could revive it and feed the cycle all over again.
I needed the anger. I needed it to blast away the world. To get rid of self-doubt and loathing. I turned my own problems into fuel for the fire and then aimed the fire at the world.
This Friday, I had an incident where the anger was building. It lasted HOURS. When I finally came down from it, I realized just how much damage it was doing. The armor that I had subconsciously built over 21 years was destroying me, and only now did I realize this.
That ends now.
Friday, August 04, 2006
Attention Star Wars Fans!
Hey, guys. Long-time readers of the site will know that I'm a staff member at NJOE, the New Jedi Order Encyclopedia. I write the character list and timelines for them, and I am one of the co-leaders of the Character Entries section. And right now, NJOE is in need of writers. We're making the push to make the site better than ever before. If you're interested, go check out the site (NJOE) and contact Acky, the head of the site. From there, it's an easy process to get started as a writer for the site.
Here are the positions available (as posted at NJOE):
Characters - 4 Positions Available
Work as part of a larger character writing team under the lead of two Character Leads. Writers may make preferences and choices for characters but will also have some characters assigned; will write all variety of characters from those that appear in one or two books to those that appear in fifteen or twenty. The goal here is that every character on the "Character List" will have a bio entry, so there are over 600 (and growing) characters that need entries. Great sense of community working with your fellow writers. Characters will come from NJO, Dark Nest, and Legacy of the Force. We'll work around some situations but a lot of entries will be coming from the NJO. GL24 Note: we REALLY need the help here. There's only three official writers for the section, with three more undergoing the testing process. That's six writers for 600-1000 entries...any help you can give us would be great.
Battles - 2 Positions Available
Run in a similar fashion to the Characters section where a team of writers work under the leadership of the Battles Lead. Writers will work on battles from NJO, Dark Nest, and Legacy of the Force.
Dictionary
The writer for this section will identify terms in the NJO, Dark Nest, and Legacy of the Force that might be confusing to someone who does not have an intimate knowledge of Star Wars.
Planets
This section will have entries about the planets visited in the NJO, Dark Nest, and Legacy of the Force. The writer will eventually work with the Galaxy Map Design Team to make sure that every planet on the map has an entry in the Planets section.
Interested writers should contact me (Acky) at njoe@njoe.com [make sure to reply to the automated message to get around my spam filter - if you do not reply to the automated message, your e-mail will not be delivered]. There is a small testing phase for all writers before becoming full staff. Don't hesitate to contact if you have questions or would like more information.
Got that, guys. Any questions can be directed to Acky or myself.
"Help us, Star Wars fans. You're are only hope."
Here are the positions available (as posted at NJOE):
Characters - 4 Positions Available
Work as part of a larger character writing team under the lead of two Character Leads. Writers may make preferences and choices for characters but will also have some characters assigned; will write all variety of characters from those that appear in one or two books to those that appear in fifteen or twenty. The goal here is that every character on the "Character List" will have a bio entry, so there are over 600 (and growing) characters that need entries. Great sense of community working with your fellow writers. Characters will come from NJO, Dark Nest, and Legacy of the Force. We'll work around some situations but a lot of entries will be coming from the NJO. GL24 Note: we REALLY need the help here. There's only three official writers for the section, with three more undergoing the testing process. That's six writers for 600-1000 entries...any help you can give us would be great.
Battles - 2 Positions Available
Run in a similar fashion to the Characters section where a team of writers work under the leadership of the Battles Lead. Writers will work on battles from NJO, Dark Nest, and Legacy of the Force.
Dictionary
The writer for this section will identify terms in the NJO, Dark Nest, and Legacy of the Force that might be confusing to someone who does not have an intimate knowledge of Star Wars.
Planets
This section will have entries about the planets visited in the NJO, Dark Nest, and Legacy of the Force. The writer will eventually work with the Galaxy Map Design Team to make sure that every planet on the map has an entry in the Planets section.
Interested writers should contact me (Acky) at njoe@njoe.com [make sure to reply to the automated message to get around my spam filter - if you do not reply to the automated message, your e-mail will not be delivered]. There is a small testing phase for all writers before becoming full staff. Don't hesitate to contact if you have questions or would like more information.
Got that, guys. Any questions can be directed to Acky or myself.
"Help us, Star Wars fans. You're are only hope."
A Second Hello
Okay, guys. This blog is going to be back up and running soon! Yeah! With 24AU done, I'm gonna be rebuilding this blog from the ground up. My goal is to have this working in conjunction with my Star Wars blog (GL24's Expanded Universe, which is also going to be getting some more renovations. So watch this space! It's going to be changing soon.
About me
- I'm JackBauer24
- From Detroit, Michigan, United States
Search
Last posts
Archives
- September 2004
- October 2004
- November 2004
- December 2004
- January 2005
- February 2005
- March 2005
- April 2005
- May 2005
- June 2005
- July 2005
- August 2005
- September 2005
- October 2005
- November 2005
- December 2005
- January 2006
- February 2006
- March 2006
- April 2006
- May 2006
- June 2006
- July 2006
- August 2006
- September 2006
- October 2006